PostingTime and tide

iStock000003688380XSmall_Small.jpg Erica at Littlemummy and British Parent Bloggers has pointed me towards a story revealing the pressure on mums is so great that we have just ten minutes of 'me-time' every day to ourselves, leading researchers to label our generation as 'motor mums'.

Writing as one who can barely bring herself to drive a car, I'm not sure this is the right label for me. I'm also unsure what counts as 'me-time', which in itself could be sad and telling. Loading and unloading the dishwasher? Cleaning the floors? Vacuuming? The Sisyphean task of laundry management, for which I'm beginning to wonder if I need one of those project management qualifications? Blogging?

I did go to lots of Edinburgh Book Festival events, some of them even on my own. That's got to count. But that was okay because I suffered torments of guilt for my frivolous abandon.

According to the people who came up with this research (a washing powder company) mums have so little time to themselves because they spend most of the day keeping their children happy.

I don't mind not having much 'me-time', (though as I write Beanie is screaming for my attention, annoyed to have lost me in the blogosphere, so I'll have to be quick). Perhaps I'm not being strictly honest with myself - there is tension between her needs, or at least her wants, and mine.

But I had to wait until I was 38 to have Beanie. So I had a super-abundance of 'me-time' before she arrived, some of it great, some okay, and some, well, frankly, lonely; spent wondering if or when Mr Right would materialise, if I'd be able to have a baby. Yes, I know: Bridget Jones, eat your heart out.

Maybe being older has meant a bigger adjustment to devoting most of my waking hours (and quite a few of the sleeping ones, too, on occasion) to another person.

But after waiting so long for her, now Beanie's here, I intend to make the most of it.

Posted 05 September 2007 11:46

Childcare Daughter Guilt News Older mother

Comments

Omega Mum said:

So now what? I'm meant to feel guilty about being such a crap mother than I have more than ten minutes of 'me-time'? To be honest, I'm trying to move towards a limit of ten minutes mothering time. It's hard, but I'm getting there. Oops. Timer for the broom cupboard's just gone off. Excuse me.

Posted 05 September 2007 15:42

Brillig said:

Great post! I'm the opposite of you--I had my first baby when I was 23, and by the time I was 28 I had four kids. So now, my youngest is a year old, my oldest started school today. It's just craziness around here. But! Through Bloglandia, I find that I get "me-time" even if it's between diaper changes and snack-time. I have real friendships with people here. It really helps me maintain my sanity! And I'm with you--I'm not gonna sit around whining about it. This is the life I chose, and I love it, craziness and all!

Posted 05 September 2007 17:06

Frog in the Field said:

I took a solitary holiday in January, I was totally exhausted. I went on a cruise to the Caribbean (a very last minute bargain, thanks to my travel agent sister) without my husband or children. It was my first real break in the 11 years I had been a full time Mum. It was amazing, I loved it, I slept, I read books, I dozed in the sunshine and went snorkelling without watching for anyone drowning.

I came home feeling great and thinking I should do it again next year. I didn't think I'd be able to get on the plane, but once at the airport, all guilt lifted and I was fine.

Posted 05 September 2007 18:32

Mother at Large said:

OM, what is it with us mothers and guilt?



Brillig, so, by my reckoning, if you started at 23 and had your last child at 28, that means four children under five. And you're still refusing to complain! You amazing woman.



FITF, getting ready for my solo trip to friend's wedding, so thanks for this confidence boost. Glad your holiday worked so well. Sounds like you might think about making it an annual event/escape?

Posted 05 September 2007 18:52

Erica said:

Speaking as a 'younger mum' (22 when I had Erin, not quite a 'teen mum' but still regarded as young to have kids by some) I can assure you that the struggle for me time is just as present here, and mostly I feel guilty for wanting some 'time out'.

Posted 05 September 2007 19:47

iota said:

I have had me-time when I've felt so lost that I haven't enjoyed myself at all, and have wandered round the shops aimlessly, and ended up buying children's clothes instead of clothes for myself as I was "meant" to. I've also had me-time which felt like drops of pure gold. I think it all just depends on what else is going on in your life, what the demands are, your personality, the personalities of your kids and partner, etc etc. There's no one right answer. My best me-time ever was a couple of nights on my own at Crieff Hydro!



We really shouldn't feel guilty, you know. I don't think "guilt" is quite the right word somehow. We need to invent a new one. Mumangst, Mumfail. For me, it's not really guilt, but a feeling of inadequacy, of never being good enough. Mumquacy.

Posted 05 September 2007 20:31

Mother at Large said:

Erica, we should found a Mums Against Guilt campaign. No mother escapes unscathed....



Iota, it's as if there's some gold standard out there that we must aspire to reach, but never quite do. Which is ridiculous, when every mum I know does a fantastic job of looking after her child/ren.

Posted 05 September 2007 21:13

21st Century Mummy said:

Me-time is one of the most important elements of parenthood, whether it's for mums or dads. I got very excited about the children going off to nursery/school today leaving me on my own for the whole day for the first time in nearly 7 weeks. 21st C Dad reminded me that he either has work or the kids and doesn't get a day off from both at the same time (perhaps he should take a day off next week!) In right measures we shouldn't feel guilty and I am now at the stage in parenthood, where I no longer feel guilty about some indulgent me-time here and there. The problem is...I now catch myself feeling guilty about not feeling the guilt. Does it ever end? ;-D

Posted 05 September 2007 21:26

Mother at Large said:

21st CM, enjoy the time on your own, with the children at nursery or school. Time with them will be all the more precious when they're home again.



When I hear other people describe the need for me-time, I think, 'Oh, but of course she needs some time out! What could be more natural?' But I can't help criticising my own decisions. Silly of me!

Posted 05 September 2007 22:06

IngeniousRose said:

'Me time' is an interesting one. For a long time I wanted some me time but hated it when I got it eg when IJ first started nursery. But now I know that it's necessary for me to be at my best, and as IJ has got older (she is 4 now) I have found that she needs some time and space away from me (even if it's just in the other room.) I think all parents are different, but for me at the moment the balance is just right and we are both benefitting from good quality time rather than the weeks and weeks we had together over the summer.

Posted 05 September 2007 22:25

beta mum said:

I find when I have me-time, I've forgotten what I used to do with it.

Like Iota, if I'm supposed to be buying clothes for me, I get them for the kids, as they look better in them.

If I'm at home, I tidy, clean, or stare vacantly at areas that need tidying or cleaning.

To really enjoy myself, like I did in Jersey at the non-school reunion, I have to be well away from home and with friends who have no children. Lots of sun and great beaches help too.

Posted 05 September 2007 23:28

Absolutely Bananas said:

Ok, I'm here to tell you that doing dishes, cleaning the the floors, vacuuming, and doing laundry do very definitely NOT count as me time. Here are some things that I count as me-time (and really, I consider myself the expert...!): manicure, massages, shopping (for yourself only!!!), exercise, reading a book, coffee with a friend, yes, blogging... see the trend? Chores = NO, fun stuff = YES. Glad to be of service. :)

Posted 06 September 2007 05:10

selfemployedmum said:

We're all the same, it's inbuilt in women, we can't help it, we shout for 'me-time' and then when the houseworks done without interuption and we are ready to enjoy that moment with a cup of tea, or book we feel lost and lonely without the children. I keep threatening to book myself into a travel lodge for one night, just to sleep and especially to wake up naturally. But I know I would sleep, a strange bed, strange noises, alone. Perhaps I should book the hubby and kids a night away.

Posted 06 September 2007 10:46

lulu campbell said:

In my opinion "guilt" is an entirely wasted emotion and "me time" makes it sound worse than it is...what about "quality time?" or "time for yourself?" or "happy time"? I certainly try and take more than 10 minutes of that per day - does it count if you're with your children, but thinking about something else?

Posted 06 September 2007 11:00

Mother at Large said:

Ingenious Rose, same here. Wept buckets when Beanie started nursery.



Beta Mum, maybe me-time is an acquired skill, and yes, sun and great beaches always help! So true about buying clothes for other people.



Ab Bananas, chores = NO, fun stuff = yes - that will be my mantra from here on in!



Self Employed Mum, did you ever see that film Secrets of the Divine Ya-Ya Sisterhood (sorry, something like that, sure you know the one I mean)? The mum in it books herself into a hotel away from husband and children for a night of R&R away from the domestic mayhem. In the film, her doing so is presented as part of her slide into madness. But I have to confess that I thought her behaviour made a lot of sense. And I was childless when watching it.



Lulu, few emotions are more counterproductive than guilt. And yet there seems to be a lot of it about in this parenting business.

Posted 06 September 2007 11:20

DJ Kirkby said:

I get up extra early to have some 'me' time which translates as blogging. I don't mind, it is worth sacrificng sleep to play on the computer and then be ready to spend time with N3S when he gets up. Speaking of weeping buckets...he starts school on Monday the 10th...*sob*

Posted 06 September 2007 19:53

Mother at Large said:

Dear DJ, I don't know what it's like, seeing a beloved child go to school for the first time, but I can imagine a bit. Must be painful?

Posted 06 September 2007 23:05

selfemployedmum said:

Didn't see the film - sorry. I think I've already slipped into madness LOL so maybe I'll just stay home. Had a lovely half hour with my 10 yr old son last night in his bed discussing what we should call the new kitten, when I take time to spend with my kids not doing or thinking about anything else I appreciate their stories and discussions and sense of humour, there guilt again. I am going to forget the me time and have me and them time.

Posted 07 September 2007 13:48

debio said:

I think having a child (children) changes a normal woman FOREVER. With or without them they are always in our minds - that is why it is so difficult to retrieve our previous lives in their absence or when we go away.



This preoccupation is normal; as it is to look for 'me-time' too.



What we must come to terms with is the mummy-guilt; my daughter is now at the stage (aged 12) where she expects and even encourages me to enjoy time to myself - just as I encourage her to indulge her pleasures, but not wholly and completely as there are others who need to be considered.

Posted 07 September 2007 14:35

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