PostingEdinburgh Mum

One of the lovely things about my holiday was coming home and reading the nice comments so many of you left on the site. Thanks to all who commented while I was away. It made for a great welcome home. Another holiday treat was the chance to catch up on some reading, since I went cold turkey on blogging while we were away and left the laptop at home. One of the books I enjoyed best was Alexander McCall Smith's new book The Careful Use of Compliments, the latest in the Sunday Philosophy Club series. Chosen not (just) because it's set in my native Edinburgh, but for the back-cover promise of material on the challenges of late motherhood.

TheCarefulUseOfCompliments.jpgIt was a surprise to find out that Isabel Dalhousie, the book's wealthy philosopher heroine, has just become a new mum. McCall Smith has always been coy on her exact age, but in previous books in the series, I imagined her to be in her 50s. Past child-bearing age, anyway. I mean, for goodness' sake! She drives a Volvo. A green Volvo. She has a housekeeper, (who does most of the child-rearing). She disapproves of her niece Cat's boyfriends and hassles her to dump them. It sounded like she belonged to a different generation to mine, and, well, I fear I'm at the outer limits of childbearing myself. So I jumped to the wrong conclusion.

At the beginning of Careful Use, McCall Smith drops a bombshell. We discover that Isabel remains disapproving of Cat's choice in men. But she has pinched one of the most attractive of the suitors, Jamie, a man 14 years her junior, for herself. And had a baby with him. A baby that arrives "under the bright lights of the Royal Infirmary." The same place where I had Beanie. Crikey!

Now, let me stress here that I am a huge fan of McCall Smith. In fact I pretty much idolise him. My good friend Iota has even suggested I could be a character in one of his books. But even so, I couldn't help feeling irritated about the (fictional) boyfriend-pinching. Part of the point about Isabel is that she's supposed to agonise with herself about right and wrong. Yet  this is about the one area in her life where she doesn't bother with questioning or guilt about her behaviour. It doesn't even seem to occur to her that it might be wrong to get together with a relative's ex-partner.

Isabel's brush with motherhood comes off badly in the book, too. She gets huffy that the local mums and babies group doesn't welcome her with open arms and blames this on her decision to bottle-feed baby Charlie, after finding breast-feeding 'uncomfortable'.

McCall Smith explains: "She had been a member - briefly - of a mother and baby group in Bruntsfield and she had been given looks of disapproval by one or two of the mothers when she had revealed she was not feeding Charlie herself. Those women knew, she thought; they knew that there could be some very good reaons for it, but they could not help their zeal. And she had felt guilty, although she knew it was irrational to feel guilt for something that one could not help."

This must be testimony to McCall Smith's skills as a writer that I responded to this passage with such annoyance, as if this were real-life. I can't agree that people in mums-and-babies groups would treat Isabel like that because she wasn't breastfeeding. They might have raised an eyebrow after hearing about her copping off with a younger relative's partner. They might have wondered why the housekeeper looked after the baby, rather than Isabel.

They might also have been a bit strange towards her due to sleep deprivation since, unlike Isabel, they didn't have a housekeeper to look after their babies. And they might also have wondered about Isabel's decision to spend her baby's early months investigating fraud in the Edinburgh art world, instead of caring for the little boy. But objecting to her bottle-feeding?

Still, I agreed with McCall Smith on the subject of maternal modes of transport. "The mothers in the expensive four-wheel-drive vehicles were the worst, [Jamie] had decided. Why did they need these fuel-hungry contraptions in their urban lives? To barge their way past other, smaller cars, or to make a statement about who they were and what they had?" Judged against that, Isabel's Volvo doesn't look so bad after all.

Posted 08 October 2007 21:59

Angst Books Breastfeeding Daughter Edinburgh Etiquette Older mother Work vs mothering

Comments

Louise said:

Great to have you back! I missed your blogs!



I am sorry to say that I think McCall Smith may have a point! I stress that the vast majority of breast-feeding mothers are NOT disapproving of bottle-feeding mothers but there are some. When I went to my post-natal classes, the majority of mothers breast-fed. When we were asked about our babies sleeping habits, I said that I was extremely lucky that Anna had started to sleep 8 hours a night from 8 weeks old (even though I still felt the need to wake her several times to check that she wasn't hungry anyway!) The response I got from one mother was 'Well, you bottle-feed but our babies are getting more immunity than Anna, which is more important'. On the other hand, I had and still have a very emotive 'hang up' about it and still bitterly regret not persevering (after 4 weeks)when I continued to have problems with breast-feeding. I was always embarrassed about bottle-feeding my baby, even when I was surrounded by fellow mum's who didn't care. I always wondered if, deep down, they thought I was a bad Mummy for bottle-feeding. I realise that this is MY own personal issue and probably none of the fellow mum's ever thought that for a second. However, I can see where the author is coming from.

Posted 08 October 2007 22:55

Omega Mum said:

I am so glad to hear that you're not a fictional character. Life is quite tough enough as it is. Welcome back. I've been beside myself worrrying about the lack of incisive comment over the past few weeks. Then I thought you might do a Posh Mum, say goodbye and never come back. Honestly, as if blogging weren't bad enough without virtual separation anxiety.

Posted 08 October 2007 23:10

Mother at Large said:

Hi Louise, sorry to hear you had an unpleasant encounter. I'm no expert on this, but don't babies get most, if not all, of their mum's immunity in the first few weeks of breastfeeding anyway? So your baby would have got all those benefits from you. I could be wrong, but I think many mums stop breastfeeding at around four weeks as well.



Maybe the other mum was a bit jealous that your baby was sleeping eight hours? I remember getting very upset about other babies sleeping through the night sooner than Beanie. I despaired! I thought it would never happen!

Posted 08 October 2007 23:13

Mother at Large said:

Omega Mum, no, not fictional, all too real. And thank you. I'm chuffed by what you say. I've missed you too, you know!

Posted 08 October 2007 23:17

guineapigmum said:

Welcome back MaL! Oh, I would have been so jealous at the thought of a baby who slept 8 hours. My first didn't sleep for more than 4 hours until he went to nursery school.

Posted 09 October 2007 00:14

iota said:

Oh, M@L, guess what? I read "The Right Attitude to Rain" when I was on hol in Colorado. I was interested to see from the blurb on the back that there were two characters from Texas in it. I meant to blog about it, but haven't got around to it yet.



I, like you, had assumed Isabel was older than it turns out. But once I'd got used to the idea of her being my sort of age (young, obviously), I didn't feel too cross about the boyfriend-pinching. Cat had dumped Jamie, after all. He was an ex-boyfriend. Not nice to pinch him, but not exactly unethical. I did feel a bit worried for the baby, because I honestly couldn't see Isabel being terribly maternal. I might have guessed she'd get the house-keeper to do the job for her.



My guess is that the mothers and babies group was scared by the "I'm so intellectual" vibes that Isabel gave off. And as you say, the sleep-deprived never warm naturally to the sleep-filled. Someone should have told her to take in chocolate cake. That would have been a sure-fire way of bringing them round.



We've all missed you, you know.

Posted 09 October 2007 02:42

iota said:

M@L, I've been thinking about this. I can see you're not fictional. But maybe the story goes like this.



Alexander McCall Smith wanted to generate more interest in his Isabel Dalhousie series. Knowing that in his next novel she would become a mother, he created a blog, supposedly written by a mother of not-quite-so-tender years, living in Edinburgh, a writer, a woman of evident intellect with a hint of the philosophical, someone who questions the prevailing culture, who prefers to rely on her own wisdom. Someone like Isabel, in other words. He knew that such a blog would soon attract a wide and loyal following.



The blog writer would then cease to write for a couple of weeks ("on holiday" perhaps), to whet the appetite of the readership, and on return, would post about the new novel in the series.



I challenge you. You are Alexander McCall Smith. The photo doesn't fool me. 'Va-vay' is too close to 'Jamie' - you gave yourself away there. It's all but a clever marketing ploy. Admit it.

Posted 09 October 2007 04:38

DJ Kirkby said:

Welcome back! It has been a hectic few weeks and I've really missed reading your posts. I second Iota by the way, oust yourself woman!

Posted 09 October 2007 06:03

Vanessa said:

Good to see you back MaL and that you all had a lovely time on holiday. Would it be too cruel to assure those who question your identity that, unless you are a master of disguise, you are definitely not AMS?!

As for Isabel's experience of the local mother and baby group I think it may be a fairly accurate description - I was definitely regarded as beyond the pale for bottle-feeding M and I would imagine the Morningside mummies would be particularly sneery. If our new bookshop contains a shelf of books on breast-feeding, the importance of letting the rug-rats sleep in your bed, demand feeding and other preoccupations of the NCT crowd I imagine we'll sell a lot of them..!

Posted 09 October 2007 07:57

beta mum said:

Wecome home. I haven't read any of the McCall Smith books set in Edinburgh, but maybe I should.

It's a shame things like natural births and breat feeding are blown up into such an important issue when a few years down the line they're all but forgotten. Six year olds don't care how they were fed as babies.

Posted 09 October 2007 09:43

potty mummy said:

Spot on Beta Mum, and great to see you're back MaL. I particularly liked the bit in your post about the 4x4's. Living in ex-pat-ville in central London we are surrounded by them and they are the blight of the area. Unfortunately Ken's plan to tax them will make no difference whatsoever as those who drive them generally have more money than sense in any case.



(Oh, that feels better. I've just done the nursery run - you understand...)

Posted 09 October 2007 10:07

potty mummy said:

PS - if you're really AMS can I have the recipe for fruitcake in the No1 Ladies Detective Agency?

Posted 09 October 2007 10:08

Vanessa said:

Oh Potty Mummy, I empathise, I really do!



In Edinburgh we are cursed by those monstrous vehicles - parking inconsiderately, shoving everyone else out of the way, trying to mow down our children, giving everyone asthma.... I know our potholes are something to behold, but I've never felt that I need an agricultural vehicle to cope with them!

(that feels better too!)

Posted 09 October 2007 10:16

Joyfulgirl said:

Poor breastfeeding mothers - sleep deprived, sore, leaking - and then being preseted with a healthy happy baby who sleeps 8 hours!-their only consolation is the thought that somehow they are giving this "immunity" ... they need to believe that!

Welcome back M@L and hope you had a wonderful time away. Missed you!

Posted 09 October 2007 10:45

guineapigmum said:

I'm sure you didn't look much like AMS that day we met for coffee. I'm looking for some good easy reading for a forthcoming hospitalization (is that really a word?) and you've reminded me I should catch up on my AMS backlog.

Posted 09 October 2007 11:24

Mother at Large said:

GPM, oh no, must have left you with that deep-in-the-bones tiredness I remember from Beanie's midnight shenanigans.



Iota, I've missed you! As I said on your site, I look at all sorts of things (biscuits, olbas eye, marker pens, Scotmid) with fresh eyes thanks to you.



And okay, well done Iota, you've rumbled me. What can I say? It's a fair cop, guv, and no mistake? No, that sounds too much like Rebus. But yes, I am indeed a cyber-generated simulacrum of a McCall Smith character. He's fiendishly cunning, you know, that Mr McCall Smith, despite being so nice. And it's amazing what you can do with a blog and a bit of IT help.



DJ, missed you too. Good to be back in contact again.



Posted 09 October 2007 12:18

Mother at Large said:

Vanessa, I remember bemoaning to my health visitor that every New Town mum I met seemed to be coping magnificently with their new babies, when I felt I'd been hit by a train. "What do you expect?" she said. "This is the New Town, nobody here admits they're finding something difficult."



Coming from London, I wasn't aware of the social nuances between different Edinburgh areas. Apparently, over in Bruntsfield mums are into 'hippy' ways of doing things, whatever that means. Possibly it involves 'attachment parenting' following advice in William and Martha Sears' book - a posting in itself, believe me.



Demand feeding is a complete joke, in any case, (in my view) because it means the mum's breasts never get a chance to fill up properly, so the baby's always snacking and yet, perversely, always hungry. Something I found out only after the event.



Beta Mum, good point. I felt really bad about not having a natural birth, (it was 'assisted') that's partly why I pushed myself so hard to do breastfeeding, even though it was agony at first. I hate the way there are these idiotic 'social' standards that women feel under pressure to meet when having babies, when we've got enough to worry about anyway.



Potty Mummy, I loathe them, especially the ones with blacked out rear windows. They're so threatening and big. Ps - will see what I can do about fruitcake.



Vanessa, they are a monstrous carbuncle on the face of this pleasant land and should be abolished forthwith! No, seriously, like you, I can't stand them either.

Posted 09 October 2007 12:19

Mother at Large said:

Joyfulgirl, you've got to find solace where you can, after all.



GPM, true, but don't tell Iota. Sorry to hear you'll be in hospital. Will get in touch by email.

Posted 09 October 2007 13:29

IngeniousRose said:

Good to have you back MaL. I've missed you too. Thanks for calling in at my blog xx

Posted 09 October 2007 13:55

Mother at Large said:

Ingenious Rose, lovely to see you here again! MaL x

Posted 09 October 2007 17:07

Fiona said:

Hi

I found your site while searching for anything about Isabel Dalhousie, and have been fascinated by your honesty and insight. (I had my first child at 24, so my experience is a bit different to yours - also avid breastfeeder!).

I was interested in your perception that Isabel had no qualms about the relationship with the younger Jamie. Have you read the first three books of the series? The first two books (The Sunday Philosophy Club, Friends,Lovers, Chocolate)show very clearly Isabel's growing attachment for Jamie, and her conviction that a relationship was out of the question - in fact, she is actively trying to get him back together with Cat! It is only in the third book that she succumbs to the possibility.

It is one of the things I love about this series, the way that AMS very gradually brings them together and Isabel finally overcomes her analysis of what is right in the eyes of the world to follow her instincts.

By the way, it is clearly stated in the first book that Isabel is about 40-41 years at that point.



Thanks for sharing your world with us.

Fiona

Gosford, Australia

Posted 25 September 2008 02:49

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