Despatches from a mother who started late (and is running to catch up)

Then and Now

Seven weeks to go until my due date for younger daughter! Husband and I attended a birth preparation workshop this weekend, practising labour postures, pain relief techniques and relaxation. Pain management involved gripping an ice cube. My right hand remains a little numb many hours later. Oh well. It was a good event, not least because I got lots of massage and attention from Va-vay, my husband. Some of the other couples there were expecting their first children, which got me thinking about things I wish I'd known when I was having a baby first-time round. Here are a few of my thoughts. Please feel free to chip in with any of your own.

1. You cannot just put a new baby down in her cot and expect her to go to sleep. Nah. No matter how tired you both are. For a long time, getting Beanie (elder daughter) to sleep was a delicate process that involved rocking, feeding, singing and hushing.

2. For this reason, a Moses basket is not necessarily a great investment. By the time I had persuaded Beanie to sleep in hers, she had just about outgrown it. Not only are Moses baskets expensive, and used for a short time, but they come with annoying padding and quilts 'for decoration' that could be dangerous for small babies. But they do look cute.

3. It might be best to assemble all the baby kit BEFORE baby arrives. Not afterwards, like I did. A simple car seat was beyond me to fit into the car in the early weeks after having Beanie. Same went for breast pumps. I wish I'd practised with the wretched milking machine before Beanie arrived. In that post-natal daze, it seemed like I needed a Diploma in Childrearing Equipment (Intermediate Level) to master the thing. Nowadays I see the pump gathering dust in a kitchen cupboard. It looks simple enough. What was the problem?

4. Despite what the books say, there's no great harm (that I can see, anyway) in letting baby fall asleep for a short nap in his or her parents' arms. Snuggling up with Beanie was one of the most blissful experiences of my life. Letting your baby sleep in your arms doesn't mean your child will be incapable of sleeping in a cot on their own (as some of the books will tell you). Just enjoy the experience. Because, before you know it, you'll be onto a different stage. Which reminds me of something else....

5. The sleepless nights don't last forever. Though they seem endless at the time. Almost before I knew it, I'd gone from praying for more sleep to missing Beanie being around for night-time feeds. All the stages are over so quick. The era of pureed root vegetables already seems years away. Was there really a time when she couldn't walk? When I wondered if she'd ever be big enough to fit into six-to-nine month vests?

6. Some parenting books sell themselves by threatening all kinds of dire consequences if you don't follow their advice to their letter. Sleepless nights spent looking after kids who are candidates for Supernanny. That sort of stuff. Unless you follow their 'routines' to the letter, that is. Mostly, that is rubbish. Most parents can muddle through very well by following their own instincts. I wish I'd been more chilled and less desperate for advice from childless parenting gurus who play on new parents' vulnerability.

7. Other parents in baby groups tell fibs about their children's achievements. Do not believe them. The more insecure the parent, the more prodigious (or apparently so) their child's ability to 'sleep through', grow teeth, walk, talk etc. I wish I hadn't been taken in by the boastfulness.

8. The timing of milestones like first steps doesn't really matter. Even though it seems to matter at the time. Healthy, normal children will do things at the pace that's right for them. It's not worth getting sucked into competitiveness over whose child started walking first.

9. People have more strongly held views on how to parent than they do on religion and politics. But whereas most people will hold back from ramming political and religious views down the throat of acquaintance and near or actual strangers, any new or expectant mother is considered fair game for other people to offer unwanted advice. Don't take it personally. The converse is that having a child put me in touch with a great deal of unexpected kindness from all sorts of people.

10. Looking after a newborn isn't complicated. Feeding, sleeping, nappies. But it takes a huge amount of stamina. And a bit of nerve. This job is relentless. And you never get a lie-in to recover.

11. It doesn't matter how much you've achieved in your work (unless, perhaps, you worked with children). Having a baby will test you in ways you never imagined possible. Feeling totally responsible for a small baby who is dependent on you for everything, and I mean everything, is a tall order. For everybody. No matter how competent they were at their jobs or in other spheres. I didn't understand this until I had my daughter.

11. I wish I'd known in the early days, when I was so tired I could hardly remember my own name, how fantastic it is to have a two-year-old daughter. We can communicate with words! She has an excellent sense of humour. We have fun together! She has turned from a tiny baby into an affectionate and gentle little girl with an endearing curiosity about the world. I'm proud of her.

Posted 18 May 2008 06:50

Childbirth Childcare Daughter Husband

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