Despatches from a mother who started late (and is running to catch up)

Delia's Christmas army

It is a rite of passage that almost every woman will experience at some point in her life. Not quite as life-changing as first boyfriend, first job, first baby. But cooking your first Christmas dinner for extended family must surely still count as one of life's turning points, something that leaves you changed in all kinds of ways, just as you're not the same person after a broken heart, or a month travelling in India or or a stint working with the homeless. Christmas dinners can change a woman.

It has finally come round to my turn to cross this milestone. Thinking preparation might be key to handling this transition, in an attempt to make things easy for myself, I persuaded Granny to give me a copy of Delia's Happy Christmas as an early Christmas present. What a mistake. An aspirational book setting out standards of culinary perfection that only a professional cook and full-time masochist could achieve, it has put the fear of Christmases past, present and future into me. I am as Scrooge, terrified before the ghost of Jacob Marley at mistakes too late to rectify. Why did I not start on my puddings in October? Where can I find juniper berries at this late hour? What is 'sauce flour'? What is the difference between 'silver or gold standard' muffin cases and the ordinary ones? Do other people know about this stuff, or am I alone in my ignorance?

Before reading this book, I thought turkey curry was just a joke from the pages of Bridget Jones, that nobody could actually make such a thing. But no, wrong again. Delia actually features something called an English Colonial Curry with Turkey. She suggests (well, more like orders) that you serve  it on December 29, as part of her Gant Plan-style, project management approach to celebrating the birth of Christ. She has detailed and difficult menu plans for eight days. The D-Day landings could not have been planned with more military precision than Delia directs into Christmas menus.

"Christmas lasts for eight days," warns Delia. "Be prepared!" For those tempted to buy mince pies and Christmas pudding on-line from supermarkets, there is the inevitable reminder that home cooking not only tastes so much better, it's cheaper. Delia has costed out comparisons between shop-bought and home-made Christmas staples that show how much money you'll save making stuff yourself. Interestingly, though, she does not factor in the £25 cost of her book, which would buy you the short-cut to quite a few shop-made mince pies. Or even a temporary respite from the onslaught in the form of a take-away.

Reading the book I felt not just worried for my own pathetic attempts at Christmas - but also for Delia herself. Delia's Happy Christmas makes it sound as if Delia is released from the kitchen just once during her two-week festive ordeal - for Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve - before being reshackled to the Aga. What a drilling of pickling, freezing, cutting, peeling, grinding, marinating, chopping and basting takes place in these pages! I felt exhausted just reading about the relentless grind. No wonder that in her recommended lists for Christmas shopping she suggests, under the heading "General Non-Food Shopping" that you buy 'Hangover Remedy'. You may need something to cushion the pain should you forget to buy any of the cornichons, sweetened chestnut puree, shredded suet and fine capers Delia also recommends as essential Christmas fare. In fairness, this is a beautiful book, with lovely illustrations and lots of ideas for making nice meals for family and friends. There are lots of good ideas for a vegetarian Christmas, which I plan to adopt. Also, I must confess that, like millions of others, I rely heavily on some of Delia's other cooking books, which have never let me down on timing, ingredients etc. But oh, for the days when a satsuma was the height of Christmas sophistication.

Posted 10 December 2009 13:57

Domestic chaos Etiquette Food Fun Missing sanity

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