May 2007

PostingEscape from it all

I've come across a great site called Shedworking that could have the perfect solution for us work-at-home-mums - or WAHMS, in proper blogosphere parlance. It features lots of beautiful sheds, some of which you could site in the bottom of the garden and use as an office.

Apparently the shed's growing in popularity as a thinking and working space, and it could work a treat for working mums - just think, no more working next to damp laundry, our very own space free of husband's and child's discarded socks, half-eaten rice cakes and obscured toys that threaten to cripple.

I have to confess I've been a bit out of touch with the world of sheds. They've gone all designer and beautiful since I last knew anything about them. Now they look more deluxe than some of the wooden houses on Grand Designs.I think Kevin McCloud would like them.

There's only one hitch to my plan.  We live in a second-floor city centre flat. And while I'm thinking about applying for an allotment there's a current three-year waiting list. Another reason, perhaps, to join that well-trod path to the suburbs.

Posted 31 May 2007 11:44 | Number of comments: 8 | Comments

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PostingFeminine mistakes

An article on the excellent News for Parents site reports that an American writer has stirred up controversy with a book arguing that mothers who don't work could be risking their financial security, as well as their happiness.

In The Feminine Mistake, Vanity Fair journalist Leslie Bennetts warns stay-at-home mums that their decision to give up economic self-sufficiency and rely on their partner could have disastrous consequences.

The book's title's an ironic nod to fellow American writer Betty Friedan's 1963 book The Feminine Mystique, the groundbreaking work credited with launching the feminist movement. The book attacked the idea a husband and children were all a woman needed for fulfillment.

The latest book's stirred up a hornet's nest in the US, where according to poor Bennetts, stay-at-home mums are "burning up the blogosphere denouncing me". Last time I checked there were no fewer than 68 heated reviews of the book on Amazon alone, most of them huffy and defensive, all defending the writer's personal choices on working or not working.

Bennetts, herself a working mum, insists she only wants to alert women to dangers in giving up work to rely on a partner's income, like divorce, or a husband losing his job. My fellow blogger Omega Mum over at 3kidsnojob can tell you all about the latter scenario in her entertaining account of what happens when a husband loses his job, in their case through no fault of his own.

Bennetts also says that women who take career breaks planning to get back to work once the kids are ready should know they will take a huge salary hit - and might not get back to the same level at all. And there's also the sense of self-worth that women can gain outside the home. Plus pension entitlement. I'll see what she says about part-time work-at-home mums, and let you know about that.

The report was mostly manna to my web-weary eyes after a sorry day filling up the depleted Mother at Large household coffers. But why do I need a US author I've never even met to validate my parenting choices? Why do I need to read this to feel okay about how I arrange my life? Am I the only mother who needs approval from a book I've not yet read for choosing to work? I'd like to see a time when women can make career decisions without reference to a battery of parenting experts. Then again, maybe most women already do.

Posted 30 May 2007 22:44 | Number of comments: 6 | Comments

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PostingBirthing choices

Only a month after Patricia Hewitt, the Health Secretary, outlined plans to guarantee expectant mothers a "full range of birthing choices" by 2009 it seems the reality is that some women might be lucky if they get a qualified midwife or doctor to deliver their baby.

A report for the Department of Health has revealed that  NHS trusts using maternity support workers to do the work of trained midwives could be putting the safety of mothers and babies at risk.

The study found that several trusts are converting midwife positions into posts for lesser-qualified maternity support workers. The news has clearly got medical bigwigs worried - it's prompted Christine Beasley, the Chief Nursing Officer, to remind all trusts it's a legal requirement for a registered midwife or doctor to deliver every baby.

The idea of using maternity support workers was that they would free midwives up to do the jobs that only they are trained to do, (it takes three years to train as a midwife) but it seems that in the hard-pressed NHS they've taken a good idea too far, with these workers assuming responsibility for tasks they're not qualified to do.

Personally, I have huge admiration for maternity support workers - they were the women who got me through long, sleepless nights in hospital as I struggled with breastfeeding, propped me up when I fainted in the shower after giving birth, and admired my daughter like she was the first newborn they'd seen in a year. Despite their long hours and lousy pay they were endlessly good-natured and kind.

But still... it's not my idea of a "birthing choice" to do without a midwife or doctor while giving birth, sorry Mrs Hewitt.

Read more at

The Royal College of Midwives

The Royal College of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists

National Childbirth Trust

The NCT has lots of good information on birth options.

Posted 29 May 2007 16:20 | Number of comments: 2 | Comments

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PostingMoney talks

A new survey provides further proof, not that we should need it, that we working mothers are not a bunch of sybaritic "have-it-alls" after all. It proves what many of us probably knew all along: many, if not most, mothers who work do so because their families need the money.

Research published by Scottish Widows says the cost of running a home means that almost half the nation's households need more than one breadwinner to maintain what it calls an "acceptable" standard of living. In other words, most women don't have much choice about whether to work. And those are the households without kids.

What's worse, the firm says: "When it comes to those with dependent children, the need for two incomes increases, with one in two households relying on both partners working."

It notes: "Those with children have, as would be expected, higher levels of debt on both loans and credit cards than those without."

Apparently, the average household with two dependent children is £106,600 in debt, a whopping £19,100 more than the average household without children.

So if any mother reading this is feeling alone in having to return to work to help pay the bills, or guilty about it, now you know you're in good company - about half the rest of the country, in fact.

Now, I don't know what the survey is defining as an acceptable lifestyle. My idea of a comfortable lifestyle is probably fairly modest by the standards of somebody like Dulwich Mum, bless her, who might well have different ideas on lifestyle, as those 4x4s and Dior handbags don't come cheap.

But I'm guessing that when the survey says households need more than one breadwinner to maintain a comfortable lifestyle, they're talking fairly average, low-key aspirations involving one holiday a year, maybe, a car, a  few evenings out, decent threads for her, some hi-tech gimmickry for the bloke,  the odd weekend away, that sort of thing. We're not talking ruthless ambition here, just funding a reasonable lifestyle.

Reading this survey, which I first came across at Enterprise Nation, I couldn't understand how anyone could call a working mother a "have-it-all" - unless they were referring to her levels of debt.

Posted 28 May 2007 16:38 | Number of comments: 10 | Comments

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PostingThe parenting paradox

You just can't win as a parent. It was my health visitor who explained the parenting paradox to me. If you take your child to ballet/football then you're labelled pushy, she explained. If you don't, you'll feel guilty for not encouraging them. Know the sort of thing I mean? Whatever you do, you can't win.

Fellow Edinburgh blogger Littlemummy did an amusing posting the other week on Socially Recognised Parenting Standards. Reading it made me realise we parents will never achieve parenting perfection, because no ordinary human could ever attain the standards we set ourselves.

I started thinking about the never-ending series of exacting rules and parenting commandments that all contradict and conflict with each other. So even if you manage by some feat of superhuman stamina to meet one of them, then you'll be breaking another at the same time. I suppose the only way round this is to concentrate on what we each think is right, and ignore other people's ideas, however well-meant.

These are a few thoughts on some of the main parenting paradoxes

Breastfeeding

Any young mum can tell you of the immense pressure to breastfeed a new baby. Not so many people talk about how only a few months later there's similar pressure to stop. In hospital after having my daughter my boobs became public property, staff were so keen for me to learn this womanly art. Hands came from everywhere to latch the baby on. Someone even told me to follow the "nose to nipple" mantra - a policy that was to cost my poor nipples untold anguish. Then, just about as soon as I got breastfeeding going smoothly, it seemed to be time to stop. No sooner had we got past the toe-curling agony stage of nipple guards and Lansinoh cream, than people were saying things like: "You've got to wonder who's benefitting from this - the mother or the baby."

Mother-infant bonding

Pick up any of the legions of parenting books available now and you'll read about the virtues of responsive attachment parenting, that involves "baby wearing", baby massage, skin-on-skin contact, and breastfeeding. The idea is these practices supposedly promote a strong bond between mother and infant. Fast forward only a few months later and it's all about fostering a healthy sense of individuality and self-assertion on the baby's part, with dark looks cast at clingy babies. How much is a good thing? When does a good thing turn into something bad? How do you get the balance right? Well, it seems you can't, because the goal posts are always moving.

Work vs parenting

This works a bit like this: you're not quite recognised as a proper human being or accorded any status if, as a mother, you don't do some form of paid work, but if on the other hand you do work then you must also express conflict, regret and guilt for doing so. Truly, no-win all round.

Any mother who loves going to work because they enjoy the banter, get a rest, earn lovely dosh to spend on nice things and can go to the loo alone never admits as much, but instead expresses stoical regret that her life has worked out this way, as if it happened outwith her control.

There's more on this theme over at The Bad Mothers' Club. Any thoughts on other parenting paradoxes?

Posted 27 May 2007 16:37 | Number of comments: 9 | Comments

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PostingHow soon is too soon?

I have a dilemma. Two weeks ago I had a miscarriage, which has had two effects on me: 1) obsession with wanting another baby 2) terror of getting pregnant again.

How to reconcile these two instincts? They've both got an iron grip on me.

Terror of getting pregnant again has led me to:

 Join Weightwatchers

Stop shaving my legs

Take up embroidery. It's not like chess, is it? Not the most alluring activity.

Watch back-to-back episodes of Friends on E4 every evening

Wear funny, bobbly cardigans from the back of the wardrobe

Cry when my husband casts an amorous look my way

Fantasize about my perfect non-pregnant summer holiday (free, by then, of bobbly woollen cardigan)

Wanting another baby has led to:

Purchase of ovulation kit

Purchase of pregnancy kit

Daily intake of folic acid supplements

Nerviness over unwashed salad/soft cheese/alcohol

Shameful jealousy on hearing of other people's pregnancies (especially anyone due the same time I would have been).

Heart-twisting sorrow at the sight of newborn babies

Persistent yet clearly academic interest in two-seater buggies.

Pain at sight of daughter playing on her own

Posted 26 May 2007 14:18 | Number of comments: 7 | Comments

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PostingChoosing a nursery

Apparently a chain of London nurseries is promising guaranteed happiness for children or giving parents their money back. After children have been there six weeks it will measure their happiness using a series of 'observational  methods'.

It's a clever marketing wheeze to exploit parental guilt for leaving their children in nurseries in the first place to go to work, although why we should feel guilty for doing this has never been entirely clear to me.

Anyway, it started me thinking about what we can expect from nurseries and how to choose one. I'm no expert on any of this stuff, but these are my thoughts.

Beware the sycophants

One nursery kept talking in its marketing material about "your VILP". VILP? Very Important Little Person. Oh, for goodness' sake.

Watch staff when they're out and about in your area

I don't mean go all weird and spy on them! But I was really impressed by staff from the nursery we eventually chose, because they came across as professional and courteous in the street, whenever I bumped into them. 

Location, location, location

Ideally your nursery is near you, and en route to work

Visible, involved owner?

Ideally with long-term plans to be involved. Most nurseries do a good job, but like any other business they've no doubt attracted their share of charlatans.



Realistic, sane staff

It makes me nervous when people promise the earth, the moon and stars.

Check out what the inspectors think

The Care Commission has good nursery and pre-school reports available to anyone online that will tell you a lot.

Ask around

Find out its informal reputation from other parents



Spend time there

If they have a problem with you wanting to hang out there for a little while, that's worth knowing in itself.

Instinct

Is this a place you'd like to spend time yourself?

Posted 25 May 2007 10:57 | Number of comments: 6 | Comments

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PostingCutting her teeth

My daughter is teething and I am in crisis. Could she not have picked a better time to grow new teeth? Unstoppable, they are erupting from her swollen gums like jagged icebergs in films where baddies have tampered with the earth's climate, destroyed its natural balance and caused chaos in the Arctic Circle. What little was left of my natural balance has gone too, Titanic to the trauma of her teeth.

My daugher has a nursery "key worker", a competent and kindly young woman who looks about 23 and is childless. It was she who told me that my daughter must be teething, an idea that had not occurred to me. "That'll be her off her food with her molars coming in," she informed me, as if it were obvious. I nodded in agreement to pretend this was indeed obvious.

Four tiny teeth hovering at gum level have destroyed our domestic tranquillity. At bed time last night she rattled the bars of her cot, screaming and roaring like a caged animal. Only an hour and a half and two spoons of Calpol later did we settle her to sleep last night. Someone has recommended frozen celery for teething babies to chew on. "But you have to mind out for the stringy bits," she told me. Presumably in case they stick in her sparkling new teeth.

My daughter and I do not much ressemble one another in many respects, something my husband tries gallantly to pretend is not the case. I am brunette and she is fair, like him. This is mostly a blessing for her, especially as I have bad teeth that an orthodentist once pronounced incurable. With that in mind, I am not much comforted by my husband's attempts to console me about the domestic confusion.  "Look," he told me. "Her teeth are coming in at the same angle as yours."

Posted 24 May 2007 13:47 | Number of comments: 0 | Comments

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PostingWhen do you say you're pregnant

After I had the misfortune to miscarry at 11 weeks, a nurse told me it was a big mistake to tell anyone bar close family of my pregnancy before the magic 12-week mark, after which the miscarriage rate drops to just 1%. I don't agree with this, but would welcome other people's views.

"Well, you'll know for next time, won't you," she said, not meeting my eye as she ticked off boxes and noted my allergy to elastoplast. "It's better not to tell anyone until you reach 12 weeks." Then she moved on to quiz me on recreational drug use. "We have to ask nowadays, you know," she told me, flicking her hair back self-consciously, crossing the "no" box.

Encouraging women to hide their pregnancies seems to be part and parcel of a tendency among the medical profession to be reluctant to acknowledge the reality of pregnancy loss, to pretend that nothing's happened, and so to deny women the much-needed right to grieve and mourn their loss. The Miscarriage Association has done wonderful work towards changing this attitude, but my sense is we've all got a long way to go.

As I posted yesterday, I've known medics show more compassion for an achey knee than for a miscarriage. They're not necesssarily hard-hearted, but so many medics, even the so-called "counsellors", are emotionally illiterate around miscarriage.

They don't seem to have the vocabulary and etiquette at their disposal. There are no well-worn cliches (well, ones that work, anyway) to fall back on for them. No formulae for expressing sympathy. So instead we get the Darwinian eugenics line that it's "all for the best". Women deserve better than this.

Many doctors really seem to believe this deluded notion that repressing feelings and events is going to make them disappear, that if we all pretend miscarriage isn't a "proper" loss then it won't hurt and we can avoid painful feelings. I know this is untrue. Then again, in the hard-pressed NHS, it might be the reason for their stony denial is that there isn't enough time or resources available to help women miscarrying with the emotional side.

I was so excited about being pregnant, I couldn't help telling people. And looking back, I still think I did the right thing, though the memories are bittersweet. At least I had that joy and happiness, even if it didn't last very long; it was real at the time. And if I hadn't told anyone I was pregnant, I'd never have been able to reach out to talk to people when I was in a crisis and needed some support. And how many times do you have such good news in your life? It's natural to want to share it.

Also, holding out till 12 weeks isn't going to keep a pregnancy secret. People often don't need to be told of a pregnancy to know it's happening. They can see an expanding tummy, the careful way a pregnant woman carries herself. They wonder why a friend's suddenly too tired to go out in the evening, or has overnight become a fussy eater obsessed with pasteurization and avoiding soft cheeses who waits for the Green Man every time she crosses the road.

Of course, I'm generalising here, not all medics are stony-hearted Victorians. One person from our local health centre in particular has been extremely kind , came round to see us for an hour, really acknowledged the pain my husband and I were experiencing, spent lots of time listening, didn't try to invalidate our feelings, didn't dismiss our loss with a brusque  "Oh, it's nature's way". We need more like her.

To find out more please visit The Miscarriage Association's site.

Posted 22 May 2007 11:30 | Number of comments: 5 | Comments

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PostingWhen someone loses a baby...

One of the hardest things about miscarriage is that so many people, however kindly and well-meaning, inadvertently say the wrong thing in an attempt to console, compounding the sense of loss and failure one feels.

I have to say that I've found certain medical staff, whom you'd think would get a few pointers on this sort of thing at med school, among the worst culprits. Some (not all) have a bracing, "Buck up, gel," Darwinian survival-of-the-fittest attitude I thought disappeared with Margaret Thatcher and padded shoulders.

Male medics are generally the worst. They seem to have a eugenics philosophy that miscarriage is nature's way of keeping the population healthy and the burden on the NHS down - not really a great comfort, I'm afraid. If you heard people talking like this about babies that died after, not before, birth, you'd be thinking Third Reich and Adolf Hitler.

At the other end of the scale, other mothers have been amazingly supportive and thoughtful, prepared to listen to me rant, hugging me as I wept, proferring biscuits, books and food and generally astonishing me with their warmth and kindness.

The taboos surrounding miscarriage don't help very much. It's a bit like childbirth - you're only admitted to the magic circle after you've been through the mill. People don't talk about it that much to the uninitiated, perhaps because, again like childbirth, it's excruciatingly painful.

There's no exact formula to follow in expressing sympathy, and it's awful to see people floundering, wanting to help but uncertain what to say.

The best place I've found for advice is the Miscarriage Association, which has some helpful guidelines and offers all kinds of help and support. I'm indebted to the association for some of the following suggestions.

What not to say

"It's nature's way of getting rid of something" Nature, you are a cruel bitch. I don't want to be reminded that life is random and cruel.

"Don't worry, you can have another one" I felt terrible reading this, when I remembered saying this to someone else suffering a miscarriage. In my defence, I meant well, I just didn't know any better at the time. I realise now it comes across as crass and insensitive.

"It's for the best" What? That my husband and I are wracked by pain and loss? That we've lost something so precious to us? That our dreams are in tatters?

"We'll see you at your next ante-natal booking" - my GP. Does he not understand that embarking on another pregnancy is going to require quite a lot of courage? The last thing I feel like doing is risking a repeat of the last few weeks. Also, you can't just replace one baby with another, they are unique and individual, a point that seemed lost on my doctor.

"It's one of those things" - no, it's not, not to me, anyway. It's not routine or banal to me, however much anyone else tries to trivialise it.

"Don't worry about it. Your fertility is proven." Not the message I'm taking away from the past few weeks. I feel my treacherous body's let me down.

"It might be your age." Oh, so I'm bereft and over the hill, with a higher possibility of this happening again to me than a younger woman. Is that meant to make me feel better, or push me back under the duvet?

"It's terribly common." So is death, and nobody tries to minimise that, do they. Nobody says, "Oh, you don't have a right to grieve for your loss, because we all suffer loss, and will all eventually die, so cheer up and stop moping."

"There was probably something wrong with it" Not in my dreams, there wasn't. To me that baby was perfect. And I don't want anybody dissing him or her.

What to say

"I'm so very sorry you've lost your baby"

"This must be dreadful for you both"

"I don't know what to say to you..."

"I can't imagine how you must be feeling"

A hug is good as well.

The Miscarriage Association says: "Flowers can often say what is needed and a card should include both partners' names. Let them know you will be there for them to talk to; don't be embarrassed to share their grief."

It also suggests that as time passes people ask a couple "How is it going now?" or "How are you feeling?"  It counsels that listening is the most important thing people can do to help. "The couple are hurting - some women, especially, may need to talk about their experience and feelings over and over again before they can even begin to heal. Talking will help them both come to terms with what has happened..... The loss never truly goes away - the couple just learn to deal with it in time."

Posted 21 May 2007 13:14 | Number of comments: 4 | Comments

Husband Miscarriage

PostingJob for life

Apparently if the typical stay-at-home mother were paid for her work, she'd earn the annual equivalent of £70,000, at least according to a set of so-called "compensation experts" based in the US. Unfortunately, the survey doesn't make clear who's going to fork out the moolah for all our hard work. Government? Husband? Children? Will our kids add this to their student loans? But still, it's nice to know we have some earning power left, even if it is mostly theoretical. I first read about this at Manic Mama.

My main objection to this survey, produced by Salary.com, is that I think they've missed quite a few important activities from their list of maternal roles, which falls far short of covering the full job spec. So I've listed a few additional roles they might want to consider next time they're doing the survey.

This is their list of jobs making up the £70,000 salary: 1. Housekeeper 2. Cook 3. Psychologist 4. Day care centre teacher 5. Laundry machine operator 6. Van driver 7. Facilities manager 8. Janitor 9. Computer operator 10. Chief executive officer (though try telling that one to Dad).

And here are the ones I think they missed. Apologies for some of them being so medieval. Please let me know your thoughts on any others that should be on the list.

1. Nightwatchperson   Okay, gone is the lantern or candle of yesteryear, replaced by more up-to-date equivalents, like the Tomy baby monitor. And it's more dressing gown than big caped cloak and boots. But there's still the same lonely, cold pacing around after midnight, to check that all's well, investigating cries in the night. And what about some extra money for unsociable hours, I'd like to know?

2. Dancer/Singer   Before having my daughter I considered myself a fairly shy and inhibited person, except when drunk. Now I never drink but will sing, dance and cavort almost anywhere if I reckon there's a chance it'll make my daughter stop crying. "Old McDonald had a farm, ey-ay-ey-ay-oh!!!"

3. PR Officer   "You'll never guess what our beautiful daughter did at nursery today! She pulled herself up to standing using just a shoebox for balance!" I almost have to stop myself from issuing a press release. And unlike many esteemed PRs, I actually, really, truly believe in how marvellous this all is....

4. Health and Safety Officer   Detaching Mr Bear's pink nightcap, lest my daughter swallow it, nagging long-suffering husband to nail bookshelves to the wall, covering sockets, hiding toilet cleaner, keeping daughter away from dishwasher and oven, begging kind neighbours not to paint their front door while we're around...

5. Journalist   I've filled notebooks with detailed accounts of my daughter's exploits that I plan to keep for posterity.

6. Nutritionist   Poor performance appraisal here. People brandish Annabel Karmel books at me all the time, and I do my best, but follow her recipes in vain. Actually, I spend ages agonising over my daughter's food intake, still currently limited to apple puree, porridge and bread sticks, because I know it can't be that healthy. Her dad persuaded her tonight to add banana, raspberries and raisins to the list, which she did grudgingly. Anything I cook is a big no-no. Last week I had my head in my hands at suppertime, crying, I felt such a failure for cooking up this food she instantly rejects. She throws it at me, or on the floor.

7. Speech therapist   Daughter: "Haahlaahla" Me: "That's brilliant! Let's say it again." Daughter: "Laaaaaaa" Abrupt stop. Me: "Look, the little monkey in the book is saying 'Hug'. Isn't that clever? Let's try and say 'Huuuuuuuug'." I could go on.

8. Stylist   It's not as easy as it looks to achieve that casually thrown together boho-chic look for the under-twos. Especially when the under-two in question is determined to shed socks, shoes and cardi wherever she can, before regurgitating Annabel's rejected gloop onto her top.

9. Entertainments Officer   Playgroup, nursery, "playdates" - urgh, terrible expression, park. It all takes organisation, you know, even if the babies and toddlers mostly ignore one another at these various social events, except to "borrow" each other's toys.

10. Nurse   Bathing gunky eyes in salt water, kissing scratches better, clearing up sick, administering Calpol. Oh, I forgot, nurses are like stay-at-home mothers, another largely disempowered social group, being (mainly) female carers on a low wage.

Posted 20 May 2007 20:11 | Number of comments: 8 | Comments

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PostingLineage and legends

It's been a grim six days, just how grim I realised only yesterday, when I recognised the unfamiliar physical sensation spreading across my stomach as laughter, an experience that's been notable by its complete absence from my life since I had some bad news last Friday. As usual, it was only as things started to get better, well, slightly, at least, that  I got an inkling of how awful they've been.

Yesterday my husband, daughter and I were all waving at ourselves in a big mirror. Lest you think we're a bunch of self-obsessed narcissists, (well, we are, but we try not to indulge it) let me briefly explain: like many babies, my daughter loves to wave at her glassy, unreachable self in the mirror. She even, once, when very little, in what looks destined to be a stock family anecdote, crawled over to a mirror and tried to give herself a big kiss.

So we were in front of the mirror, my husband with his arm round me, my daughter in my arms, helping her practise waving.

"Here, stand in front of me," he told me, before assuming a stern, wooden demeanour. My head slotted in under his chin (he's much taller than me). Our daughter, snug in my arms, despite giggling madly, consented to tuck her head underneath mine. We made a straight vertical line of three heads.

"There we are," he told me proudly. "Our very own totem pole."

Posted 17 May 2007 09:28 | Number of comments: 0 | Comments

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PostingHome working for parents: the plus side

In my posting yesterday on the drawbacks to being a Work at Home Mum, or WAHM, I promised another missive today on the joys of a life spent fettered to a keyboard in the spare bedroom/playroom/study, while pretending to be a carefree "have-it-all" mum, with perfect work/life balance.

Now today's come around and I regret to have to say I can hardly think of any benefits to being a WAHM. But having scratched what's left of my braincells after a year's breastfeeding, I've managed to think of a few upsides.

No colleagues

At first this was a plus and I enjoyed my own company. Now I'm a seasoned WAHM and idealise any office where I've ever worked, however poisonous the politics were, remembering only the cheerful banter, not the nastier sides.

Flexibility in hours

Easier to knock off work early on a sunny day when I fancy taking my daughter to the park. When she was sent home from nursery with a sticky eye it was easy for me to walk over there and pick her up. Major plus for parents of young children. Some mornings I take her in to nursery closer to lunchtime, and then pick her up before teatime.

Master and commander (sort of)

I feel more in control of my own destiny, working for myself, and enjoy the freedom it brings. I can explore ideas and projects that interest me, without checking in with anyone else first.

Fitting work in around children

If things have gone haywire during the day, with our daughter sick at home or similar, I can make up the lost hours in the evening here at home.

Commuting time

For all my moaning about lack of company in the working day, I never enjoyed being shoe-horned into the London Tube every morning on the way to work, squashed in with  dozens of other people. Even I, moaner that I am, have to admit it's not much of a trek from bedroom to spare room.

Ability to work from anywhere with broadband connection

Well, theoretically, although it's strange how so much of work still comes down to talking with real, live human beings, even now. But being self-employed and working from home meant I was able to escape London two years ago to come back to Edinburgh. We're now debating a possible next move to France. If my husband didn't have such good IT skills, I doubt I'd be so sanguine on this point.

Getting more done at home/fewer interruptions?

Arguable point. A friend has a theory that people get more done working from home than they would in offices, because so much time there is taken up with meetings. Hah - but what about tea breaks?

Climbing the laundry mountain

Taking little breaks to work on the laundry leaves me still feeling quite smug and virtuous afterwards, almost as if I'd stayed at my desk and done the work I was meant to be doing, instead of frippering away the minutes on anything I could manage to justify to myself.



Some weeks you can take on more work, others less

When K was unwell a few weeks ago and she couldn't go to nursery, I was able to rearrange my work to look after her.

Posted 09 May 2007 01:39 | Number of comments: 4 | Comments

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PostingHome working: 10 drawbacks

Much as I hate to use this dreadful terminology, I joined the ranks of 'WAHMs', or 'Work at Home Mums', when Katie reached ten months. Before that I was a full-time 'SAHM' (Stay at Home Mum), though I didn't even know it at the time - it's only since I got back to work and had a chance to waste time browsing the net I found out all these new terms. The first six months looking after Katie I didn't miss work at all. Then my friends starting going back to work, one by one, and I got lonely.

Often when I'm talking to people about my work (journalism), they say something encouraging about how it must be easy to do that from home, combining it with looking after the baby. Well, it's not.

In my experience, the reality is that homeworking is really only for people with iron self-discipline, who are motivated and well-organised and aware of the drawbacks as well as the benefits. I am not one of those people.

Listed below are some of the things to bear in mind if you're thinking of becoming a work-at-home-parent. Most are based on personal experience, some from talking with other parents who live, work, eat and sleep in the same small flat.

Today I've written about some of the disadvantages to being a 'WAHM'.

It's not all doom and gloom. There are very real upsides to working this way. Please visit the site tomorrow, to read about the benefits to young parents of working this way.



DRAWBACKS TO BEING A 'WAHM'

1. Don't be deceived into thinking you'll spend more time with your children this way.

You won't. You still have to organise proper childcare for them. Anything else, and you're shortchanging yourself, your clients and them.

2. Home-based childcare will make it impossible to focus on your work

If you choose home-based childcare (for example Granny or childminder coming to your home), you'll find it hard to knuckle down while your children are playing next door.

3. Sleepy head. Just had lunch? Feeling like a little nap?

I'll put my head down for ten minutes. Oops. The afternoon just slid away again. All those hours gone, taken up with what was meant to be a short snooze. And no work to show for it at the end.

4. You may think you're only working two days, but will your clients and contacts?

Once, an all-important contact I was chasing like mad at the start of the week called back unexpectedly a few days later at the nadir, nay, the very trough of my day - Katie's supper-time. Hard-nosed PRs will call any time of day or night if they think there's a plug in it for a client.

6. You get landed with most of the housework

I'm really lucky in that my husband more than pulls his weight around the house. But being at home all day, I still end up loading, unloading dishwashers, vacuuming, cleaning away dishes, wiping worktops, and doing the endless laundry. As soon as I've done it, it all needs doing again. And it's so very, very dull.

7. Lack of company

It's lonely, being at home on my own all day. Chatting to the postman and the old lady two doors down doesn't fill the gap. Even my husband starts winding up phone conversations after ten or 15 minutes. It's why I've turned to blogging. You start to fall behind professionally, as well, if you're not in offices where you can keep up with latest ways of doing things.

8. You've got to have real self-discipline to get through the work

Otherwise the lure of the biscuit tin will get me every time. I falter and stumble, but have to keep things together because I need the work.

9. I can't appreciate my home anymore, it's also my place of work

I spend too much time here. I notice every piece of dirt, every crumb. I need to go on holiday before I can enjoy where I live again. Home's stopped being a retreat.

10. It's hard to draw a line under the end of each day.

Is it obsessive-compulsive to check emails at midnight?

Posted 08 May 2007 12:18 | Number of comments: 2 | Comments

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PostingMore on childcare options... today, Granny to the rescue

As I mentioned in an earlier posting, apparently "have-it-all" mums are shunning nurseries that could damage their children's development and staying home to look after their kids. Ideally, of course, some newspapers would rather we women spent our entire reproductive years pregnant and/or barefoot in the kitchen.

Given we live in a less-than-ideal world, in which many of us do some sort of balancing act between work and family, while trying our utmost to do the best for our children, I've decided to write some more about the childcare options available to working mums, or at least my personal experience of them.

Today, Granny to the rescue.

Granny often looks after my daughter one or two days a week while I work, sometimes at home, other times in an office. The arrangement generally works well for all concerned, with big benefits all round. My daughter also goes to nursery twice weekly.

Things to know about childcare from Granny

1. Parenting takes stamina - lots of it - and grandparents tire easily

Granny would never admit this, but she is shattered by the end of a day chasing after her beloved grandaughter. I only found out how bad it was when I rang her one evening around 8.30pm after she'd gone home from a day looking after K, only for my father to tell me she'd gone to bed "early". I felt terrible.

2. Your child can do NO wrong in Granny's eyes

My daughter has filched Granny's OAP bus pass while rifling through her handbag, somehow lost her mobile, and scrunched up precious family photos Granny carries everywhere in her Sudoko book. Does Granny care?

3. Seeing the bond develop between Granny and K - heart-warming

K kicks her legs with delight when she sees Granny coming up the stairs to see her, while Granny's had a new lease of life since K arrived 13 months ago. They get on extremely well and it's been one of the best things about having a child, seeing the bond between them strengthen and grow.

4. K's biscuit consumption increases while Granny is around. So does mine.

Granny believes a little treat now and then never hurt anyone.

5. Like any veteran of terry towelling, Granny believes in 10 or 12 daily nappy changes

Don't suppose it can do any harm. Granny often brings round packs of nappies. "Bulky for you to carry!" she says. "Let me bring these over in the car."

6. Limited interaction for K with other babies - or "tweenies"

But lots of admiration from the other old ladies Granny seems to meet while out and about buying biscuits. Doesn't matter so much to us, because K is with other children at nursery twice weekly.

7. Hard to concentrate while working at home if K and Granny larking about in kitchen, often playing "Let's empty Granny's handbag".

It always sounds like so much fun in the kitchen, I get distracted. Not difficult, admittedly, given my scatter-brain head. Usually, they end up going for a walk. In which they stop off at the shops to buy, guess what? More biscuits.

8. The voice of experience.

In terms of childcare, Granny's been there, done it, and got two adult children to prove it.

Okay, her generation doesn't have our hang-ups about organic food, breastfeeding and Gina Ford. They did things differently, for example parking their babies at the bottom of the garden.

They didn't have post-natal groups for support and company; their men weren't expected to help out like our partners do, and they seem to have spent all day washing nappies years before anyone got extra brownie points for being environmentally friendly with "real" nappies.

But the fact is, Granny knows what she's doing when it comes to looking after a small child.

9. My daughter gets one-to-one attention, all day long, from someone who loves her

Which is both good, and maybe not-so-good, depending on which survey you read at the time.

10. Nursery get exasperated if I keep bothering them to check K's okay.

Whereas Granny and K will happily blow bubbles and coo down the phone, (yes, both of them) whenever I call home. Just as long as it's not on Granny's mobile, (please see No. 2).

11. In a crisis, Granny'll drop everything, even the golf championship match where she's hoping to improve her handicap, and come round to help

When my husband and I were both ill over Christmas (remember the Winter Vomiting Virus?) she helped out - big time.

12. Granny would never expect remuneration for all the work she does

She does it out of love. Err, maybe that's cheesy, but it's kind of how it is.

Posted 05 May 2007 18:25 | Number of comments: 1 | Comments

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PostingToys give children "no long-term benefit", finds report

New research says toys and books have no significant future associations with children's development. According to the Institute of Education, reported by BBC Online, the most important factor is parents playing and talking with their children. Err... doh!

"Toys and books have their place and do help children develop but what is important is having the parents interact with the child," says the Institute's Dr Leslie Gutman.

This should be so obvious. How do people get grants to do this kind of research? Surely it just confirms what every parent already knows.

So much of the report's findings sounds like common sense.

"To have parents read to their children is much more important than having a hundred books," says the report. Well, yes. Kind of a no-brainer, surely?

Children whose parents took them out grew up with better social skills, said the report.

Again, not a hard one to figure out. 

But actually, on second thoughts, maybe this is useful research. In fact, I wish I'd known this a year ago, before I accumulated sacks of unwanted toys.

I bought them partly because I didn't want people to think I was a tightwad who wouldn't spend on her child.

The toy marketing made me think K would suffer impaired development if I didn't.

I mean, my goodness, not having the musical mobile that plays Bach, complete with cows circling in mid-air above, might have hindered her hand-eye co-ordination and slowed her speech development.

Yes, maybe this does have all sorts of useful applications. Perhaps Dr Gutman could circulate her research to health professionals. That might deal with my health visitor who was on about why we needed a baby "gym" to help with "infant stimulation".

Parents might have more spare space in their cupboards if Dr Gutman's research got a good airing. Charity shops would probably come off worse, though.

Actually, what the research proves is that I should have listened to my daughter. She's had the right idea for months.

She's far more interested in parental interaction than toys.

Her top-favourite thing right now is when I put a muslin over my head, pop my sunglasses on top of the cloth and do my Mrs Muzzlepops/Yasser Arafat impersonation.

Posted 03 May 2007 21:24 | Number of comments: 3 | Comments

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PostingMore benefits to nurseries

More confident around other children

K used to crumple at playgroups if another child tried to take her toys. Strange though this might sound of a one-year-old, she's become more assertive, in a healthy way, and better at standing her ground.

Better at interacting with other children

K's started to enjoy pushing balls around on the floor with some of her friends. She's better aware of other children.

Staff know what they're doing

These women can change a nappy faster than it takes me to think, "Oh, maybe I'd better fill the water jug before we get started."

I forgot to post these earlier. An excellent comment on my earlier posting today Pros and Cons of Nursery Life reminded me of them.

Posted 02 May 2007 19:15 | Number of comments: 0 | Comments

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PostingPros and cons of nursery life

Having spent the last few days fuming at stories about greedy 'have-it-all' mothers repenting their wicked career-minded ways by shunning nurseries and staying home to look after their kids, here are some of my thoughts on the pros and cons of nurseries, based on personal experience.

PROS

Making switch from bottle to breast

It was nursery staff who first persuaded my daughter, then aged 10 months, to take a bottle, something I'd been trying for weeks, with no success. Since then she hasn't looked back. I was beginning to fear I'd be breastfeeding at the school gates. Thanks to that breakthrough, people have now stopped saying things like: "Did you see that programme on extraordinary breastfeeding?"

Healthy balanced diet

At home, K survives on a diet of porridge, apple puree and biscuits. Believe me, it's not for lack of trying on my part. I have my Annabel Karmel cookbook and I'm not afraid to use it. But I cook up spaghetti bolognaise, fish pasta and cauliflower cheese in vain. Even my old stand-by of sweet potato and chicken is out of favour. However, the nursery staff can get her to eat chicken papaya, no less. I've been asking for tips on how they do it.

Keener to walk

Don't know if peer group pressure is altogether a good thing, but it seems to me that since K has seen other children about her age, or a bit older, starting to toddle, she's keener to do the same.

CONS

These probably reflect my shortcomings as much as the nursery's, but here goes:

Separation anxiety (mine, not hers)

I haven't quite come to terms yet with my daughter being pushed around the streets of Edinburgh, in the nursery's three-seater buggies, by someone other than me. The thought I might bump into her "out a walk" at lunchtime is wierd.

She's comes home smelling of someone else's perfume.

Disconcerting. I get a bit jealous. But I also take this as a positive, since it means that she must be getting lots of cuddles.

The, err, commercial aspect of childcare...

A nursery worker burst into the baby room yesterday. "Okay, we don't have to do Edward Simmons and Jack McLeod today. They're on holiday till the 17th."

It's painful to be disabused of fantasy everyone loves K as much as me

A couple of the people who look after her at nursery are fond of her. Everyone else is well-disposed. Nobody, strangely, seems aware of how special and wonderful she is.

Picking up bad habits

No long after starting nursery K started sucking thoughtfully on pieces of toast, before allowing them to slither out her mouth and down onto her front, where they linger, transformed into repellant brown slugs. Could never prove it, but suspect it's a lark she first saw at nursery.



Hotbed of germs

Babies pick up every bug going as soon as they start at nursery.

You can't get the days or times you necessarily want

Which seems to contradict the story about all these empty nursery places left vacant by repentant nasty hard career women. In my experience, any decent nursery gets booked up months, even years, ahead.

Posted 02 May 2007 11:04 | Number of comments: 3 | Comments

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PostingHave it all? Do it all, more like

Another day, another childcare survey that may upset many mothers. "The first evidence of an end to the 'have-it-all' generation of women emerges today," reports The Times, with unmistakable glee in Nurseries feel pinch as mothers stay home.

You can almost hear the unspoken agenda:  "Greedy cows, thinking they can be mums and have paid jobs. This'll show 'em."

The so-called "evidence" of the end to greedy 'have-it-alls' is that almost a quarter of UK nursery places are vacant, as women take up their "right to request" part-time work after having a child.

According to the paper, one reason for the vacancies is that more women are staying at home longer to look after their children themselves, instead of putting them into nursery.

It says another reason is a government report warning that putting children in full-time nursery care can make them anti-social and anxious.

In fact, the real reason so many nursery places are empty has nothing to do with women seeing the light and repenting of their bad mothering. It’s a matter of simple maths. Available nursery places have nearly doubled since 2002, from 424,900 to 725,115, with demand overanticipated.

You could also argue that what the statistics actually tell us is that women don't aspire to "have it all" and never did. Empty nursery places could mean thoughtful employment legislation with more flexible working hours and longer maternity leave is beginning to take effect.

Now we've got the chance to stay at home longer, that's what many of us are doing. Only 7% of children in daycare are now under a year old. Women have, rightly, got better financial support in staying at home to look after their kids, and that's what many of us are choosing to do. We didn't go to work to "have it all”, we did it because our families needed the income.

To go by that phrase "have-it-all", you'd think a bunch of empty-headed fun-seekers in Ibiza had got their come-uppance. Anybody who's actually combined looking after a small child and working knows the lifestyle is far from hedonistic, it's demanding and unforgiving.

As a part-timer, which many working mothers are, you're on the margins, with less responsibility and poorer promotion prospects. Senior part-time jobs are like gold dust in many industries.

Of course, someone screwing up the estimates for nursery place numbers doesn’t make quite such a good story and The Times dwells instead on that government report into the evils of nursery care.

The paper says: "A government evaluation of nurseries found that toddlers spending more than seven hours a day in daycare were more likely to be bossy, tease other children, stamp their feet and get anxious when toys and refreshments were handed round." Hello? Have the authors ever been around small children? Has anyone ever met a toddler who didn’t fit that description?

The worst-behaved child I've ever met spent his first four years glued to the side of his overly doting mother, who honestly couldn't see that he (and she) needed help. This little terror never set foot in a nursery.

Relatives and friends used to avoid this little boy, they were so scared of him. Now he's at school and learning the hard way how to interact with others, with frequent detentions and threats of expulsion. It's a lesson he might have learnt sooner and more easily at nursery, among other people.

Funnily enough, newspapers don’t focus on that side of the story, possibly because it doesn’t have the “feel-bad” factor all mothering stories seem to need.

'Have-it-all' generation, indeed. 'Do-it-all', more like.

Posted 01 May 2007 10:42 | Number of comments: 1 | Comments

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