PostingTime and Tide

Apologies for the lack of recent postings. I've only just realised it's been six days since I managed to blog. Six whole days. Shameful contrast to the high watermark of summer, when I set myself a target of daily postings.

I'd love to blame the downturn on Christmas and being too busy with shopping and partying to blog. But the truth is I haven't been too well and have hardly left the flat. I'm also finding I need to put any spare time into writing my book.

I've been busy reading around the subject of motherhood when not looking after Beanie and working on the book.

Regular readers of this blog might remember I'm a huge fan of Kate Mosse's Becoming a Mother. I liked it so much, I re-read it over the weekend, just to enjoy that feeling of companionship and support again.

I've also been reading Susan Faludi's Backlash - The Undeclared War Against Women, which has got me energised with anger. She dismisses the infertility scare stories of recent years as having little or no basis in fact, blaming them on widespread resentment at women's new-found freedom to work and decide when (or if) they will have children.

Reading Backlash reminded how fed up I am with some of the unflattering descriptions used for women who have babies after 35. Is it not about time the medical authorities thought up something less insulting than 'senile primigravida' to describe a first-time mother over 35?

I'm also losing patience with hearing healthy, blooming women in their late thirties and early forties described as 'older'.

When are we going to wake up to the fact that women in their thirties (and older) are in their prime? These are some of our most productive and creative years. Calling us 'old' is part of the same attempt to stigmatise any woman who shows some choosiness about when and how she has children that also leads to bogus infertility scares and 'man shortage' stories.

I don't think of myself as 'old' or even 'older' - and that's because, looked at in absolute terms, I'm not. I was older than the average first-time mum (29) when I had my daughter (at 38). But that doesn't qualify me for the zimmer frame and slippers quite yet.

Come to think of it, I don't even consider my mother, an energetic 67-year-old, to be  'old'. Though she has qualified for a bus pass that Beanie regularly filches from her handbag.

What do you think is a good substitute for 'old' or 'older' to describe new mums or mums-to-be over 35?

Posted 10 December 2007 12:17

Blogging Books Dilemmas Fashionably Late - the book Older mother Paradoxes Work at Home Mum

Comments

Joyfulgirl said:

Do we have to have a special label? Perhaps I'm showing my medical ignorance here but your date of birth is always on your medical charts anyway so your age can be easily deduced.



Thanks for the book recommendations - ordered Backlash for some non-light christmas reading!



I miss your daily blogs but it is not an easy target to meet every day - especially when you are trying to progress your book and have all your usual work to do also.

Posted 10 December 2007 14:45

potty mummy said:

Sorry to hear you've not been so well, I think the pre-Christmas darkness does for everyone around now. And whilst I can't come up with a better name for those of who wait a bit longer before we get on with it, just felt I wanted to say: If I had had kids at 29, would I have had the choice to stay home with them and do what I'm doing now? Would I hell. We couldn't have afforded it.



I think that the choice I've made (to stay home for now) is the right one for our family; whether it is the right one for other families is for them to decide. But the luxury of having that choice; it's not something most people have until their mid-thirties. So what are we to do?

Posted 10 December 2007 20:57

Omega Mum said:

It is hard to blog regularly - you have my sympathy. But just think how well you're doing, especially with book and illness and young child. And also wanted to say thank you for the really encouraging comments you've left me. I can't tell you how much I appreciate them.

Posted 10 December 2007 22:29

Erica said:

It seems to me that the window of opportunity for becoming a mother without stigma for being either 'older' or 'too young' is getting smaller. Anything under 25 is considered young, anything over 35 is senile premiga-whatever, it's ridiculous, anywhere between 18-45 seems pretty normal to me :)

Posted 10 December 2007 22:45

DJ Kirkby said:

Hi Helen, hope you are felling 100% soon. As you well know, I am guilty of being stuck in the medical mode of wanting to label and categorise all pregnant women. JG made a good point though, the DOB on the notes should suffice and we are trying to improve in that respect but not write comments like 'elderly primip' etc on the notes any more. As you will see from the articles I sent you recently, there are increaed physical risks during pregnancy and beyond to women over 40. Risks not certainties but the risks do exist. If we must use a word descriptor for women over a certain age who are experiencing pregnancy / motherhood, we would need to chose one that reflected whether this was their first or subsequent pregnancy as of course that has implications as well. Sorry, have not been much help have I? As always a fascinating post. Don't know how you do it all, no wonder you are felling a unwell. Take care of yourself Helen, there is only one of you and you are precious to Beanie and Va-vey...

Posted 11 December 2007 06:59

orchidea said:

Sorry you've been unwell. It seems to be catching - even through the medium of cyberia. ;)



I don't see the need for a label for mothers over 35 - although ~disclaimer~ I had my second at 34 so I don't quite straddle the magic age barrier. They are patently neither stupid nor "old" by any stretch of the imagination. My grandmother gave birth to my mother at 42 and back then (1940 - yikes!), it was handled in a very matter-of-fact way.



My top tip if you're over thirty and pregnant - steer clear of the AFP blood test (it's calculated to present too many false positives - I had a nuchal fold scan and amnio because the scan was inconclusive) and a longstanding medical relationship with a proficient and sympathetic ob/gyn helps. Mine was and is wonderful (OK, so I'm gushing a little - I went for my girl MOT yesterday and I'm still basking in the glow).

Posted 11 December 2007 07:29

mid-lifer said:

Do we need to call them anything? We're all mothers after all!



Funnily enough I'm having to read stuff about motherhood - but anthropological and sociological for my PhD!



I think you do amazingly with your posting - I only manage 1 a week if I'm lucky.

Posted 11 December 2007 09:20

Helen said:

Joyfulgirl, enjoy Backlash, it's not easy reading, but I felt ready to take on the world afterwards.



Potty Mum, my circs are similar to yours. Though I didn't even have a steady boyfriend for most of my twenties - so I'd have been on one (modest) income.



Erica, too right, you just can't win, can you. Who are these people, anyway, who decide on these acceptable 'windows' for having children, that's what I'd like to know. I'd like to give them a piece of my mind.



DJ, thank you again for the medical research. Va-vay forbade me from reading it late last night, because he said I wouldn't be able to sleep for worrying afterwards. I plan to get stuck in this afternoon - thank you.



Omega Mum, I'm in awe of how often (and how well) you post. Thanks for kind comments. Am much cheered up. Have enjoyed reading Teenage Trickster's blog too.



Orchidea, one of the biggest problems over here in the NHS is lack of continuity of care - even if you find a good doctor the chances of seeing him or her again are remote. Then you need to explain everything all over again to the next one.



Midlifer, how interesting about your PhD. Maybe we can swap notes some time. I greatly enjoy your blog, you know.

Posted 11 December 2007 11:38

Mimi said:

I too do not like the term "older", but I have to add that medically we are older. The eggs from which your child is conceived are the age you are- they've been with you since your birth. And biologically, the risk factor has not really changed re having kids younger/older. It's unfortunate, but true.

Posted 13 December 2007 00:36

Helen said:

Mimi, fortunately, the risks for 'older' mothers are nothing like as bad as they are often suggested to be. And luckily, eggs are designed to last many, many years - who's to say an egg is 'old' at 40 old, but not at 25? They're both longish stretches of time, by most people's reckonings. We're not talking about dogs or cats.

Posted 13 December 2007 14:06

parenting said:

Mimi, you are right. The more we get "older" the less we're fetile."older" reffers to men also as their sperms weakens the more they get older, sorry, nature laghs at us...

Posted 04 November 2008 21:19

Helen said:

Parenting, all the research suggests fertility varies more by individual than by age. You can get a 46 yr old who's more fecund than a 22 yr old. of course, more often it's vice versa, but fertlity (in both sexes) doesn't decline quite as rapidly with age as some of the more right-wing press might have us believe. If you don't believe me, have a look around some of the mum and baby groups in any middle class area in the UK. Working class ones too, come to that.

Posted 05 November 2008 08:44

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