PostingLabour of love

I am reading accounts of women giving birth the way I used to eat cashew nuts - unable to stop myself and always wanting more. Ina May Gaskin, Sheila Kitzinger, Kate Mosse, Lesley Regan, Zita West, Janet Balaskas  - their books form tower blocks next to my bed. I look forwards to bed time the way I used to enjoy Friday nights after a long week at work. It's my chance to read about how other women coped with pregnancy and childbirth. This would be fine, were it not for the fact that I cannot persuade my husband Va-vay to share my enthusiasm for these books.

Don't get me wrong, Va-vay could not be more supportive of my pregnancy - in a practical, solution-oriented sense. He does lots of shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry and childcare. When Beanie woke last night at 2.30am it was Va-vay who got up and searched for Calpol, then sat with her until she fell back to sleep. At about 5am. It was Va-vay who got her up two hours later, got her to nursery, took out the rubbish and went to work.

In fairness to him, all that activity doesn't leave much time for reading. But last week I did mention to him that since he's my birth partner it would be nice if he could read up on labour. At the time he became rather huffy. Accused me of accusing him of being 'unsupportive."

"No, Va-vay, that's not what I meant," I protested. "I'd just like us both to be involved in the labour. For us both to know what's going on. So you understand the emotional side too."

"I know all about emotions, living with you," he said.

I dropped the subject.

Then on Sunday I bought a book on potty training for Beanie and left it in the bathroom - home to the potty training action. Later that evening Va-vay came out of the bathroom, quite jubilant, and started quoting facts from the book at me.

"Do you know what 'lifting' is?" he asked me.

"Errr, no. Why?"

"It's the practice of putting children on the potty last thing at night. Very controversial."

"Right. Well, thank you for letting me know that."

"If you want me to read any of those books on childbirth just leave them in the bathroom too and I'll take a look at them," he said with a jaunty air. No doubt he plans to quote salient facts back at me. He is just not taking this seriously. My private bits are risking mutilation. There will be pain, blood and gore - however well it goes. I don't want Ina May and Sheila left in the bathroom - it feels disrespectful.

Bring on our birth preparation workshops. Then I will have him discussing feelings. In a group. With people he doesn't know. Ah, vengeance.

Posted 11 February 2008 10:26

Books Childbirth Childcare Home Husband

Comments

Rosie said:

MaL I love the line "I know all about emotions, living with you" !! I've never understood why people read books on the toilet, but anyway, might be worth leaving some books on labour in there if it is going to get Va-Vay to read them, or failing that your birth plan!

Posted 11 February 2008 11:07

Helen said:

Hi Rosie, suspect it's a boy thing. Poor old Va-vay - I'll sneak some reading material in there for him.

Posted 11 February 2008 11:12

iota said:

How are his favourite bins these days?

Posted 11 February 2008 14:37

potty mummy said:

Of course, for some men, going to the loo may have (how can I put this gently?)... similarities to giving birth. I know. I know. Gross - and untrue. But we only know that because we did it. They will never know. So, if it takes a contemplative moment in the bathroom to get him to pick up a book on labour, go with it, I say. You never know - it might result in a bit more sympathy than his reading it on the sofa!

Posted 11 February 2008 14:47

Helen said:

Dear Iota, he doesn't get much time to visit them these days, life being so busy. Sometimes he even has to dump the rubbish in black bags on the pavement for the council to remove. No bins involved. No wonder he looks so hassled.



Oh, Potty Mummy, that is quite gross but possibly also true. Maybe I should stop being so purist. As you say, we're talking bodily functions here - there's not a lot that's purist about giving birth.

Posted 11 February 2008 14:57

beta mum said:

Mike went as far as NCT ante-natal classes, but couldn't help being fairly subversive when attending them.

He was present and helpful at both births though, which I felt was fine. And more importantly he took time off when the babies were actually there, in the flesh.

From what I can remember, incessantly reading books about it all is determined by hormones, which the Dads don't share... a bit like those endless, fruitless, cash-wasting trawls around Mothercare in the early months of small babies' lives.

Posted 11 February 2008 21:06

Helen said:

Beta Mum, It's a funny thing, isn't it, there's this person you feel closest to of everyone in the world (husband) you get into the pregnancy lark together, but that somehow seems to emphasise all the differences between you. Like Mike, Va-vay is a very loving partner and dad - perhaps the reading thing is just hormonal. Don't remind me of money wasted at Mothercare. The bowl that promised to stick to the table (hah!) was my worst buy ever there.

Posted 11 February 2008 21:33

iota said:

If you want, I have a weblink to a radio programme which features the 999 call during which a husband is talked through delivering his own son at home while the midwives are on their way. That would focus his mind a little.

Posted 11 February 2008 22:47

DJ Kirkby said:

Speaking from many years of community midwifery experience, I would urge you to adopt the 'softly softly' approach here Helen. Not all men are as enthralled by the whole birthing process as the mother of their child (no matter how much we want them to be), in fact some are downright terrified by the idea of being so out of control of the whole experience and if they are forced to take an active intrest it often just causes them to act like a sullen teenager when you need their strength the most. I think leaving selected reading material in the bathroom is a great idea, let him absorb the information without pressure and as soon as he can convince himself that it was his idea to read up on the event, he'll be the best support you could hope for...after all he already is the best life partner for you forever, right? He'll come round...in his own good time but it will be 'in time'! Have faith...

Posted 12 February 2008 06:51

Helen said:

Iota, will email you separately to get that link, if I may. You're not joking, are you?!



DJ, bathroom reading material might be the best way forward. People are so complicated, aren't they.

Posted 12 February 2008 10:17

Joyfulgirl said:

He sounds a really great husband and dad - and a full nights sleep is in its own way a great emotional support. My husband wasn't so interested in the books and details either during my pregnancy despite my coaxing - but after he sat through hours of classes listening to details on dialiation and breastfeeding I felt he had heard enough! I think women are bound to have a differnt attitude to it, it is our body that is undergoing this huge transformation, it is our stomach that can no longer be relied upon to digest food and we know that there is only one way out of the situation and no one else (unfortunately) can do it for us!

Posted 12 February 2008 12:59

Helen said:

Joyfulgirl, truth is I love him very much indeed. I'm going to get him something nice for Valentine's Day. I understand this better now thanks to your comments and those from other people.

Posted 12 February 2008 16:52

Omega Mum said:

Liked the review. I remember those birth stories. Mind you, I remember the births more. In fact, they're now all I can remember of any of the early years. Ask me which child was potty trained first, what their first words were, which one cried most and I wouldn't have a clue. Ask which one I did with the epidural, which one twisted round and which one I nearly had in the car and I have absolute clarity of recall.

Posted 12 February 2008 23:46

Helen said:

Omega Mum, suspect some memories will never leave us, however long we live. There's not enough sleep in the early months to remember anything with great clarity - Beanie's first year is something of a blur now. Though we did use the Camcorder...

Posted 13 February 2008 09:11

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